600 days

I’ll be on 600 days tomorrow, so I thought I’d best check back in and confirm my sobriety as still alive and trucking along. It’s a big number in some ways but it also seems tiny to me now. In the same way I’ve been with my husband only three years, but I feel like we are almost one person now, sobriety is the ground under my feet. It is a strange perspective. I don’t want to wish my life away, but it feels like I should have decades under my belt for all the depth of growth and feeling I have garnered from both relationships. In any case, I am sublimely grateful.

For the last few months, things have been up and down emotionally. Work is stressful, I think mainly because I am terribly raw to other people’s feelings and actions still. In the old days I am not sure how much I noticed or cared. I mean, I know I cared enough to be a reasonably successful team leader, to have relationships and friends, but now the emotional noise is like tinnitus. Nevertheless, each time I forge through a situation, I am aware I am learning something (if only to forgive myself a little for my own mistakes).

Ultimately, I wish each day for more humility, forgiveness, understanding and generosity. To let go of resentments, to recognize the pain in others, and to recognize and say sorry when it is me that has contributed to it.

Sunny days are here again, and once that would have meant cold drinks outside (you know this without me painting a picture). But I am working my way to a place where I can be happy with plain water in a windowless room:  because I can see joy everywhere, not only in escape.

I wish nothing but good to you, too.